You and yourself (on loneliness)

You feel you are not needed, perhaps you have never been but this does not make you feel better. You’re lonelier than the loneliest man  alive…or dead. You’re not the first man born and cerrainly not Adam or Eve. Yet, you’re lonely even when you’re by yourself, clinging to your soul, hugging it tightly. You burst into tears but even when each tear slides off your cheeks, it makes way only for itself, runs its course and drops onto the ground,  splattering away and disappearing upon impact. You see the shady ghosts of people who used to be around you. You can hear them but they are deaf to you. In a nutshell, you’re in a nutshell rattling inside, hitting the concrete hard walls blindly, vagabonding freely in your inner prison cell.

Lonely

Awake and alone. The silence in the bedroom is deafening. Half stretched on the bed, clinging onto the extra pillow for the odorless scent long gone. The brain starts an early shift while the muscles are still adrift. The same unforgettable memories storm to the defenseless mind. Unblockable. A single slipper on the floor facing the bedpost looking for its mate. Joining the search yields no results. Blood rushes to the brain and the hair gives in to gravity while dangling down, however, adjusting the point of view is fruitless; the right one is probably left at another place or time. The sudden jolt to the uptight position of the body reveals that the feeling of cold marble cannot steer away the fixated, empty looks but starts a languid effort to the next destination of the routine.
The kitchen cupboard provides two mugs though the steaming coffee is enough to fill just one. The unique aroma of the brew fills the mind with ancient but somehow fresh memories as if the nostrils had a weird kind of muscle memory even when it isn’t the coffee drinker’s favorite.Tears form but the steam is blamed. Fears settle in but the heart is tamed…

Colors of Time (Sample)

PROLOGUE

Do you believe in time travel? Have you ever wondered why people go back in time and rarely forward, in movies? Some might think that this is because the future is uncertain while the past had already taken its place in history and it’s also easier and more entertaining to rewrite the past than imagining the future, altering one tiny event in the past and changing the future. Actually, that’s true, but to what extent? You may have heard of the butterfly effect; when a tiny change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system would result in huge different outcomes in a later state. Just like a butterfly flapping its wings at a specific location and time, causing a hurricane thousands of miles away, perhaps a week later. Let me give you an example or rather something that really happened. Something that only a handful of people know the real reason behind a major event in history: World War I.

In 1914, a young Serbian nationalist assassinated the archduke of Austria-Hungary which led to the breaking out of one of the most destructive wars in history. Could it have been prevented in any way by going back in time? Perhaps by killing the young Serbian before he acted? It’s not as you think! In fact, there had already been an intervention by a time-travelling agent, who had to remain in the shadows at the time. You know, not to interfere directly. Did the agent want to start a war that claimed millions of lives? Was he evil in nature? Of course not, but he didn’t have a choice. If he hadn’t acted the way he did, the world population would have been reduced by 92% because of a pandemic, which would have commenced, had the archduke continued to live. It was believed at the time that Franz Ferdinand, the archduke had been trying to cultivate black roses and for that era, the appearance of a black rose meant war and destruction. Anyway, if the archduke hadn’t been killed, he would have been successful in growing a black rose, resulting in more than half of Europe covered in fields of black roses. You see, all those fields of black roses would have triggered a world-wide pandemic: A lethal disease spread by the pollens of the hellish flower. We only survived thanks to the actions of that time-travelling agent, who had to choose between the annihilation of the human race and sacrificing millions of lives through a world war. He did fine and prevented our total annihilation but he had made some mistakes as well and the details of those mistakes were written all over history. Those with some deduction skills can interpret history correctly and spot them: The agent had recruited seven Serbian nationals and convinced them to take out the archduke by giving them nationalistic pep talks. He also gave cyanide pills to each of the men to be consumed after their assassination attempts whether they succeeded or not. The initial plan seemed perfect. These seven, armed with bombs and pistols, would scatter along the road from the station in Sarajevo through Appel Quay, the main road which would be followed by archduke’s driver and attempt to assassinate the archduke on the way. If one failed, any of the others would have been able to finish him off. There were seven of them after all. The first two assassins were too scared to act, but the third one named Čabrinović hurled his bomb to the archduke’s car but failed miserably as it bounced off the folded back cover of the car, rolling under the next car before it went off. After his failed attempt, Čabrinović swallowed his cyanide pill and jumped into the Miljacka River, trying to ensure his demise. The cyanide pill just made him vomit and he was fished out of the shallow river by the police. He really hadn’t thought of the hot, dry summer to affect the water levels of the river to that extent. The water level had reached only up to cover his ankles. But, why hadn’t the pill worked. And it wasn’t only him who was unfortunate with the poison. On the return trip of the archduke, Gavrilo Princip, who had missed a chance before, succeeded in shooting both Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie, killing them both. He consumed the cyanide pill which made him throw up all over the place. Can you guess why the pills hadn’t worked as they should have? The answer is simple: They were expired! The agent had brought the pills from his timeline in the future and going back in time ruined them. There’s a lesson to be learned here: Taking medication or food with you and travelling through time will ruin them. So, don’t prepare yourself a cheese sandwich and leap through time.

I can almost hear you asking how I come to know all this stuff. Well, I was recruited myself to be a time-travelling agent last year or next year, depending on your place in the timeline or your perception of it. Before going on with my story, let me tell you about some stuff involving the basics of time travel and some facts, too:

  1. Time is a two-way street where you can go back or forward. But going back is risky and not preferred as the tiniest thing altered may lead to a world-wide catastrophe. So, after every major event in the present, TTA’s (short for time-travelling agents) leap forward in time and report the outcomes of that specific event. If the outcome is greatly undesirable, we are sent back in time to our present for corrections or minor altercations.

  2. Observing the future and altering the present, not the past is also a good idea in terms of avoiding time paradoxes as they are almost always related with the past. One tiny change in the past affects the present and may create a paradox, but a huge change in the present only results in the future to be rewritten. You’ll certainly think I am contradicting myself when you read my next point, but I am not, as time; the past, the present and the future, although ubiquitous, flows only forward.

  3. Timeline has been pre-recorded and it seems like we are living through the replays. The past, the present and the future exists on the same plane so there’s no such thing as a self-visitation paradox, meaning you can travel through time, find yourself in another time and even slap your double. I ensure you; the world will not end in total chaos. This is not a desirable action, though as your past or future self can recognize you and will live the rest of his, her or your days trying to figure out what had really happened. And that will certainly change the future.

  4. Consumables, especially food and medicine which are carried through time will certainly deteriorate and will cease functioning like they should as I mentioned earlier with the cyanide pills. Non-consumables just risk to be considered being out of time if seen by the locals of that time period.

  5. Time travels for everyone but not everyone can travel through time. You have to have a special, dormant gene called the TDG in your DNA. Only 0.2% of the world population has it. I’m one of the lucky ones. However, the gene is not enough on its own to leap through time. Other things are needed like a drug injected into your system which awakens the gene’s functionality.

  6. A TTA can travel through time more or less twenty-five to thirty times. Exceeding thirty trips will affect the TTA’s sanity. Have you seen any lunatics travelling through time?

  7. All TTA’s have to keep diaries of daily events as a reminder of the current flow of time or maybe because we like talking like: “Oh! I did that tomorrow.” No, seriously, after making a few trips in time, a TTA will get confused about the major events or the history itself.

  8. Group time travel, although possible, is not advised. It’s kind of like one person, one job kind of thing. This is no get-away weekend with friends.

  9. A TTA should study the events along with the surroundings of the specific time very well and dress, act etc. accordingly. Wearing a leopard print bikini in the age of cavemen might just work when trying to blend in, while doing that in the Victorian era in England will certainly end in unwanted ways for the TTA.

  10. Most of us are amazed by mythology, right? Mythological events and characters are mostly true, but forgotten or deliberately twisted through history. What would you think if I told you that the mega god Zeus was actually an electrician in the 2070’s? A TTA who could hurl wireless electrically charged thunderbolts?

  11. The organization behind time-travelling falsifies records and rewrites history when it’s absolutely necessary by paying off the right people at the right times. Some events in history are altered on purpose in order not to cause havoc or raise questions

    Now, let me tell you my story starting with my recruitment and my adventures before I succumb into total lunacy and become far less credible.

    COLORS OF TIME

    It all started on a cold winter night in 2016. I can’t give you an exact date as I wasn’t keeping a diary at the time. I was home after a super ordinary day and I heard a gentle knock on the door. That was strange. I had never had visitors before. I had been an outcast through my whole life. My mum and dad were both highly respected professors of physics and art history consecutively. They had always been strict, very strict about my education. I went to all the best schools and I was constantly homeschooled by them, which resulted in me excelling in every subject, ranging from Science to Arts. I now know that it wasn’t the best of ideas trying to connect to your primary school friends by constantly jabbering about topics ranging from black holes to the renaissance. They were more interested in farts, burps and making fun of our teacher Mr. Baxter’s huge belly and his baggy green pants. The same thing happened all over again through middle school, high school and even college, the only thing that changed was my classmates’ idea of having fun conversations. That’s my story of how I became a reject from society. For me, the world was much more than “The adventures of Burt Simpson, the spiky-haired brat!” Anyway, never got married, had any real friends or felt a connection to anyone throughout my entire life. As for family and relatives; I still receive a text message or two at New Year’s. Nothing more. So, the knock on the door had to have been a lost salesman or a drunkard who got confused. As it was night time, it was probably the latter. I opened the door without even bothering to ask who it had been. There stood a woman at the doorway. She smiled and something in my heart tingled. Her appearance had all the qualities I sought in a woman. If it wasn’t for that short brunette with glittering eyes, I could have just shut the door. 

    Hello!” she said.

    Hi!”

    I sense that you are looking for a connection. Here I am!”

    Huh?” I said although I clearly heard what she had said.

    Won’t you invite me in?” She bit her lower lip. “It’s kind of cold out here.”

    That was then when I realized she didn’t have a coat on. She was wearing a blue dress and matching high-heels without anything else to protect her from the freezing weather. I was about to stick my head out to check for a vehicle that dropped her off when she said:

    Nobody dropped me off. Can I come in now, please?” She touched one of her weird-looking ear-rings.

    She appeared to have read my mind and used the magic word “please” at the same time. That was the only word I had a weakness for and it came from a beautiful woman, inappropriately dressed for a cold winter night just outside my door. I invited her in and quickly shut the door once she was inside. She took off her high heels and carefully placed them in the show cabinet I had in the corner. She had to have seen me not wearing shoes in the house, I thought, but that still didn’t shed any light to how she knew about the well-concealed shoe cabinet behind the door. She started walking to my living room as if she had known where exactly to go and settled on the armchair, opposite the one that I always nestled in. I was hesitant in following her. This had to be a weird dream.

    You’re not having a dream and I’m certainly not a mind reader.” She said from her chair without even looking back at me.

    You would say exactly the same thing if I were dreaming.” I said, not really making any sense.

    Ok, then do what you were thinking about. Pinch yourself!”

    I was still behind her without any chance for her to see me and my hand was resting on my arm, ready to pinch myself. I did it anyway and felt a soft pain on the spot. I walked to the armchair opposite her and sat down before I asked her:

    Do we know each other?”

    We did, we do and we will.” She chuckled.

    What does that even mean? Which of my –“I couldn’t finish the sentence which was almost instantly completed by the woman.

    “– friends played a prank on you?” She smiled. “You don’t have friends.”

    I just stared at her. “Of course I have friends.” I said in an unconvincing tone.

    I’m a time traveler. You can call me White.” She introduced herself.

    I nodded at her but not because I accepted what she had told me. I did that because of the absurdity of the idea.

    I spent a good deal of time to appear to you as someone you would like and not turn me away. Hence, the hair, the make-up and even the color of my dress.” She explained.

    I’m guessing that you shrank yourself, too.” The lame joke I made was ignored. “OK. Let’s say I believe you. Why are you here? I’m nobody significant. Are you here to give me the winning numbers for next week’s lottery?”

    Oh! I’ll do that just before I leave as an incentive for you to join us.” She smiled. “And it will also be the final proof that I’m telling the truth.”

    Hmmm!” I reacted, not because I believed her but because I was enjoying the conversation we were having. “Would you like a drink before I listen to your story?”

    Sure. We can share the bottle of the blueberry wine you have in your fridge.”

    She knew about the wine in the fridge, too. This was getting kind of weird, but not the freaky kind of weird. I nodded, got up and went directly to the kitchen. I wanted to play a little game on her, to prove that she was having me on. Once I was in the kitchen, I gently closed the door so I could not be seen and grabbed the bread knife and pricked my left shoulder, making a tiny cut under my t-shirt. I would tell her that I cut myself and ask her exactly where I nicked myself. If she was indeed a time traveler or had this conversation with me before, she would know. “Got you!” I murmured to myself before I opened the fridge for the wine.

    “……….. the eggs!” White shouted from the living room. With the closed door muffling her voice, I was unable to make out the first word which sounded like “sign” or “find”. Whatever that meant. At that instant, something fell off from the fridge as I was closing its door. A couple of carelessly placed eggs had fallen, making a mess on the floor. Her voice had distracted me, I thought. I wouldn’t let the eggs fall if I hadn’t been trying to make out what she said. Then, it occurred to me, she had told me to “Mind the eggs!” I left the floor in its messy state and poured the wine equally into two glasses. I wasn’t sure if I needed to carry on with the little game I had planned for her, anymore. I took the glasses and went to the living room. White was holding patch of bandage in her hand that she handed me after I set aside the wine glasses.

    It’s for your shoulder.” She said. “Keep it pressed for a moment. It has antiseptic on it.”

    I took the bandage and applied it on my tiny cut before I settled into my chair.

    Need more proof?” She asked me as she reached for the wine glass. She began talking again before I could answer.

    You peed this afternoon exactly at 4:52 for 18 seconds and you’ll empty your bladder again in 54 minutes and 10 seconds later for 21 seconds.”

    I don’t really keep track of my bathroom time but I did pee this afternoon.” I took a sip of my wine. “You surely didn’t come here to chat about my bladder, Ms. White. Are you from the future?”

    Time is a plane which goes both ways. So, you can say that!” Small wrinkles appeared on the sides of her eyes as she smiled. She was probably older than she seemed. “Or, I am from the past for that matter.”

    You are not my great-grandmother or my daughter, are you?” I said as I took another mouthful of the blueberry wine and allowed it to sizzle into my mouth. “You know, travelled through time to warn me about something.”

    You’re right, grandpa!” She chuckled. “I travelled from the future to warn you about the unsteady eggs in your fridge. However, I have failed my mission.” She stopped smiling and stared at my face for a reaction, which I provided her with a smile of my own.

 — END OF THE SAMPLE —

“La Verita”

It was June the thirteenth, the 7th year mark of our marriage, rather, my marriage as for the last year or so I had felt like I was the only one trying to save it. Lise had delved into a depression of some sort and had never shown a spark of bliss in her deep green eyes for the past whole year. She was suicidal, too, eventhough she never attempted or spoken of it. I had memories of six wonderful years which she seemed to have no recollection of. For her, nothing seemed to matter anymore. Sometimes I even caught her looking at me with concentrated distaste. It appeared to me that I was relocated out of heart and my last chance to fix something,  anything was our 7th wedding anniversary. I persuaded her for one last meal at the very same restaurant where we had first met.
“La verita” was a small, clean family restaurant where you didn’t have to spend a fortune for a decent meal. It could accommodate about 40 people when it was packed and almost always it was full. It was a good idea to book a table well in advance to avoid an obvious surprise of overcrowd. And that was exactly what I had done. Lise unexpectedly accepted my offer to eat out one last time although I was sure that her intentions were completely different; she was planning a break up.

The restaurant was having one of its usual Fridays. Full of people and their endless chatter. Although we still lived together, Lise had insisted on joining me later. It had been half an hour of solidarity when she stepped in through the door. It was like magic unleashed into an unsuspecting, ordinary world. Her crimson dress flickered like a dying candle as she moved, flailing her straight raven hair like a cuckoo clock’s pendulum  from one side to the other. Her smooth white skin glimmered like some fake vampire’s shell. Inside that skin, there was a bundled up harmony of agony and beauty. She smiled and I melted down as she sat down after we greeted each other. I was so stoned by the sight of her that I didn’t even pull out her chair like a gentleman would do. Like I would always do. We ordered blueberry wine as starters and started staring at each other like complete strangers with, out of the ordinary eye contact. Nevertheless, her melancholy took over after the initial moments and a couple of sips of wine. Tears had formed ready to race down her cheeks and she got up and excused herself to the bathroom. A lump formed in my throat as I realized that it was more desperation than hope in her last look at me.
It had been nearly twenty minutes and she hadn’t returned so I decided to check upon her. The toilets were at the back of the restaurant and were accessible through swinging doors which first led to the ladies’ and further down to the mens’ room. The withered peeling off wallpaper didn’t quite match the chic decoration of the dining area. But hey, the food was good and the place was special. I stood in front of the door like a lost puppy, not knowing what to do. There were a couple of ladies queued up, looking desperate. Anyone could tell, that they were going to do more than just renew their makeups once they were inside. Lise had to have been still inside,  occupying the toilet. At that instance,  I remembered that “La Verita” had at least three toilet seats in each bathroom (I knew the ladies’ room from our first visit here with Lise. Yes, I know I am not a lady but we had used it differently back then. ) I waited impatiently for a minute or two, until a couple of more ladies lengthened the queue. Not wanting to seem any more weirder, I made my way to the gents and once inside just stared at the mirror with a worrying look. A few moments later, I got out and headed back to the food area. The corridor was still packed with ladies, but staying there wouldn’t have helped. When I made it to the dining area, I was relieved as Lise was back, sitting at our table with a big nestled smile on her face.The long-lost sparks in her eyes were back. Her green eyes seemed to have gone lighter in colour when they sparkled; A distant memory I hadn’t had for a very long time. I nearly threw myself onto my chair,  not wanting to miss any second of her blissful state. Of my bliss.The next few moments , I was in heaven, she smiled extensively, held my hand, laughed at my stupid jokes and even played footsie under the table.

Something was off in her touches, but I didn’t care as long as she kept skin contact she was touching me more passionately than ever. I could feel her nails dip into my skin, tearing thin strips of flesh. The best form of pain. Even when she touched my legs with her barefeet. She hadn’t had time to go for mani and pedi but I couldn’t blame her for that, could I? It was a good feeling no matter how she touched me. There in one moment of uncontrollable overflow of emotions,  I wanted to rip her dress off and make with her right there on the table. She had to have the same thought as she grabbed my wrist and literally yanked me off the table. We were headed to the toilets among the disturbed looks of the restaurant customers. A quick glance towards the ladies room demonstrated that the situation inside was still the same.  This time there were angry knocks on the door and a few swear words from the ladies in the queue. Lise dragged me to the gents’ and we rushed inside a narrow toilet space and began kissing. Soon, we were half naked and the freezing toilet seat had already stolen the heat off my butt, making me hard…to concentrate. However, I didn’t care, we didn’t care, we had found ourselves in each other’s arms again. We kept going on although we heard other men came in through the outer door. I wasn’t going to be embarrassed, if Lise wasn’t. After long minutes of deep intimacy, we heard a shriek coming from a distance, it was definitely a woman. And then some hurriying footsteps followed by complete silence. A feeling of uneasiness started settling in me, though the more emotional one, Lise, seemed to be unaffected by these external disturbances. A few minutes later,  I heard a police siren as if it was signaling us to finish up. Despite Lise’s silent protests, we dressed up and got out. Luckily, the bathroom was empty now so we slipped out hand in hand and joined the crowd outside the ladies’ room. The door was ajar now and judging by the sounds coming from the inside, the police seemed to have been investigating. We didn’t stick out much. I just asked what had happened to an over curious looking obese man in a dark blue suit.
“Some lady slit her wrists. She’s dead. ” he spoke fast and turned away in order not to miss anything that might happen. I felt sad for the woman. If Lise managed to free herself from her depression and suicidal tendencies,  anyone could.
Since Lise didn’t want to stick around anymore, I paid a hefty sum for our no-order no-show dinner and the wine including a generous sum mainly to
cover up our little misbehaviour and we went home. We made love the rest of the night as if we were trying to compensate the non-sexual days of our lives. It felt like Lise had not only overcome her depression, but also upgraded her sex drives. She had become Lise 2.0.
The next morning, I woke up in a partially warm bed; Lise’s side was empty. On her pillow, there was a little note saying: “Thank you for the great night. Liz. ”
Apart from the childish, crooked lines that made the letters and the words, she had misspelled her name. And, that wasn’t her handwriting. “She must still be wasted. ” I thought as a feeling of uneasiness started taking over. I started waiting for her but the feeling inside me made sure of its presence as a lump in my throat gradually formed. The best way to wait her up and keep preoccupied was to switch on the TV and zap through channels of useless mind litter thrown to us. It was the local TV station’s morning news, and I encountered Lise when I least expected to see her. Her photograph was in the headlines with the subtitle; “Unidentified woman ends her life in a local restaurant’s bathroom. ”
The dents she had carved into my skin started itching like hell.

Morning Bliss (on depression)

Any day, morning time. The alarm goes off,  but you have already been wide awake for the past hour or so after a semi-insomniac night. It’s just signaling you to be up on your feet to get ready for another extra-ordinary (mega-ordinary) day. You snooze it for another five minutes of extended nothingness and close your eyes, hoping to find a moment of peace. All you get is what you got for the past hour: A feeling of indescribable and escalating uneasiness. Then,  the alarm goes off again wailing like a digital banshee. Your last warning to delve into the heart of boredom once more.
The bathroom mirror reflects a withered soul. You practise a conscise eternity to force a smile which should have been mastered after so many tries. You stare at the bath tub and think why bother. It’s just another day that the impurity of your soul will match your filthy body. You give out an unexpected smile;  a natural one.
The habitual morning coffee tastes horrid as usual. Your sense of taste had abandoned you along with your spirit ages ago. Breakfast! The eggs taste as they have just come out of a chicken’s ass: tasting like shit, as if summarizing how you’ve been feeling for as long as you can remember. Thinking of shit, you rush to the toilet seat and spend some time regulating your intestines. You smile again. Perhaps the only thing that never changes is your bowel moment. You realize you are no more human. You’re more like a machine that carries out the simplistic procedures to keep you alive.

Insanity (on depression)

Losing touch with reality, not knowing what is real what is not. Getting distanced out from your memory,  your used-to-be strongest forte. Becoming a defunct in the simplistic everyday chores. Time travelling in your sleep, waking every hour to find out that it’s always earlier and penetrating once more into the dream world to live in another fantasy. Playing God, so omnipotent yet lonely. Alone. Living your social moments as a vegetable, an over-thinking cauliflower. Witnessing everlasting shifts in your likes and dislikes and slowly delving into insanity, dancing on its boundaries and actually enjoying it with a sour taste of handful of crushed grapes in your mouth.
And everything; each action and dream repeating itself,  becoming a daily routine. Boredom without limits.

Amusicyn (on music & depression)

The summer sun warms your battle-worn bones under the bluest skies but your soul remains dark, orphan, untouched; missed by the healing rays of life. Birds chant, but cannot enchant. Friends hug you so sincere that your body is lifted but your morbid soul becomes an anchor in a dried sea bed. The heavy dark patch within expands like a blotch of ink spilt on paper, as though it is fed by what others call bliss. The winter gushes into the depths of your soul, skipping fall. The only way the darkness to dim out is through a symphony strong enough to rattle your soul and sprinkle you onto the new day piece by piece although you would settle for a couple of notes. Melodies slither into your soul and your body starts moving like an unlively marionette showing the tiniest signs of rebirth of a life trapped in an ugly thick shell. You budge to the rhythm in slow motion, hoping to jump start your once lively spirit but….. then the music ends.